TOP 10 REASONS
WHY SEX AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT IS NOT AN ADVISABLE FORM OF PROCREATION
10. Penile length contraction:
According to the relativistic theory of length contraction,
this is an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the speed of
light. An average penis of length 13cm traveling at 99% the speed of
light will contract down to a length of only 1.8cm (this is about the
same length as the smallest functional penis officially recorded). At
the speed of light, length contraction leads to an interesting paradox
in which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still managing
to have sex somehow.
9. Penile black hole formation:
At the speed of light, relativity also predicts that the
penis will attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a black hole.
When its owner realises that his penis has turned into a black hole,
he will become profoundly depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss.
John Bobbitt would understand; but Mr Bobbitt had his penis sewn back
on, whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost forever.
8. Penis vaporisation:
If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost
to the uncaring force of friction. A penis traveling in and out of
a vagina at close to the speed of light will be subjected to enormous
resistive forces. Since resistive forces are proportional to speed,
this will heat up the penis enormously. The temperature of the resulting
internal environment will be so high that the penis molecules will
actually undergo a phase transition into a gas, vaporising the penis
7. Relativistic flaming semen:
In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can perform
ejaculation, then the relativistic semen will create enormous air
resistance, burst into flames almost instantaneously, and generate
enormous impact forces. These forces will be sufficient to pierce
a small hole straight through a woman's lower torso, just like a speeding
bullet, only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes through.
6. Time-dilated necrophilia:
Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before ejaculation
anyway. According to the relativistic theory of time dilation, then
if the man is to actually thrust in and out at a speed infinitesimally
close to the speed of light, then from his point of view, his partner
will be ageing extremely quickly, and will be long dead before he
ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing necrophilia.
5. Lack of visual appeal:
Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation
and penile black hole formation are all very dramatic, but unfortunately
they don't translate well onto the big screen. In reality, relativistic
sex would only last for a fraction of a second, and would appear as
a sort of muddy grayish white smudge, since the eye merges all images
together at such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing
enough to make a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.
4. Religious values:
Certain branches of Christianity would view porn-at-the-speed-of-light
immoral anyway. It's in the Bible.
3. Property damage:
A penis is made up of a collection of charged molecules,
and accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate charged
penis molecules up to the speed of light in a single thrust requires
enormous acceleration. This will produce a frequency and intensity
of radiation similar to that produced by a small nuclear explosion.
It may be worth hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own
2. Deafening sonic booms:
As a penis accelerates up to the speed of light, it will
inevitably surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening sonic booms
with every inward and outward thrust. If the neighbours haven’t
already been woken by your moaning, they will be now. Or then again
maybe not, because they will be conveniently deafened and unable to
1. Excessive dietary requirements:
The amount of energy required to accelerate an average person
up to 99% the speed of light for a single inward thrust is approximately
equal to 16 million billion kilojoules. This is equivalent to the
amount of energy gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78 trillion
weetbix will increase an average person’s mass by approximately
1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to eat even more weetbix just
to accelerate this additional load up to the speed of light. Nine
out of ten nutritionists may recommend weetbix, but this is slightly
more than the recommended daily intake.
Got a problem, or even just
Pour it all out to John.
Since the end of the twentieth century, Dr John Marshall, Ph.D. Sexual
Physics has been a sex and relationships writer taking the little-known
sexual wisdom from the ivory tower realm of the theoretical physicist
to the layperson.
Feel free to write to him at email@example.com
or you can visit his webpage at www.sexualphysics.com